fourth. can it be over?

i'm not good at holidays away from the family. and since my aunt passed away over spring break it's only been multiplied. (especially for the summer holidays which she loved so much).

i should just be getting home from a nights worth of fireworks... set off by yours truly (and of course all the boys who love fire so dearly) at my aunt's house. she would have made oodles of wonderful food. have good drinks out. the scent of bug spray and beer would fill the air. and it would be summer.

but i'm sitting in my bed. and my friends have all got their lives. or punked out. and i'm in texas. and all i want is to be in missouri. with my family.

where tomorrow they'll be out on the lake. another of my aunt's favorite places. sitting back and relaxing on a raft. beer in hand. chips and salsa. salads. my daddy's bbq. the freighter fireworks that dad would set off on the lake. and of course, the water balloons that always appear out of nowhere.

and then off to the columbia fireworks display. it may not be amazing... but it's tradition. and it's fun. and it's gorgeous. (and it's set to music... what more could you ask for?).

i want to be there. i want to be with my family. i want to not be in tears anymore. i want to not miss her so much. i want to not be alone. here. in texas.

an affair of the heart.

summer session one is almost complete. classes are finishing up by the day. all that's left are the papers and a research presentation before the grades are final and we move on to whatever else is to come.

but i don't think the material we have covered (in a hurried state) this summer can be left behind with our worries of the past month.

the final line of "the leadership challenge" states it quite plainly... "leadership is not an affair of the head. leadership is an affair of the heart." and this concept truly realizes my thoughts of the summer.

with every passing day i'm realizing my true passions. i'm realizing that just because i think that i want something doesn't mean that it's what is right for me (in both my professional and personal life). i may love the "idea" of what i am doing, but it's not what makes me smile. it's not what brings joy to my life. and it's not what makes me giddy with excitement. and as a woman who truly believes that she is a leader and is working everyday to become an even greater leader... it is necessary that i recognize this dissonance in my life.

so what makes me smile? what brings joy to me? what makes me truly giddy with excitement?

good questions for sure. and this could go a variety of angles. but mainly there are two things that make me love waking up...

the eyes of a child when they look up at you. whether or not they have ever seen you.

creating a vision and bringing it to life for other people.

so where does this leave me? (and really, what does this have to do with leadership?).

well... all good questions that i'm still struggling with, but enjoying. and in the magnitude of reflection i have been experiencing as of lately, i have realized that although in so many ways my educational history could be described much like a patchwork quilt, it seemingly all leads towards my varied passions.

high school study which focused on architecture and interior design.

a graphic design major, with a business minor from a liberal arts institution. (although i almost had a math minor, a psychology minor, and a poly-sci minor).

and now (god willing) a masters in educational administration for student affairs administration... while working in campus programming.

so where does this lead me? and where shall this leader roam on in life?

maybe elementary education. in an inner city... where i can be challenged daily to not think of myself, but rather to realize my life is for something greater.

maybe on to working with a politician and planning events and programs.

maybe on to law school... with a focus in educational policy.

and maybe, just maybe on to working at a college or university in campus programs.

now i wait. and see. and constantly wrestle with the reality that i must follow my heart. for it is only through being in love and staying in love with what you do that you will truly accomplish great things. (and i want to accomplish amazing things).

magenta.

last night we bought that blue bottle (filled with wine) for the precise reason that i wanted it to use as a vase at some point. well when grocery shopping after church this morning, i decided to buy myself some bright magenta flowers. i'm making changes. i'm living in the "now." i'm (trying) not to think too hard.

and i'm looking at myself in a new light. and in that new light, buying myself flowers is a mark of strength, not weakness. and they will be a reminder... that i can do anything i put my mind to. anything.

for goodness sake, i already told my mother today that i may have changed my mind about what i want to do once i graduate with my masters next may... (told you i was taking this finding my passion thing seriously).

wrestling.

thoughts are strangled. my mind is spinning. i knew two years ago when he signed up for the marines that he would be shipped out sometime. but secretly i kept hoping that recon training would keep him busy forever and ever.

but the countdown started a couple weeks ago... a countdown to july 3, the day he was supposed to ship out. until orders were changed earlier this week and he was to ship out july 9. and then yesterday, the brief call came... molls, i'm leaving in the morning. don't have time to talk. i'll miss you.

and he's gone. he'll be fine. i'm sure. well-protected. but i already realize how much i miss having the knowledge that i can just call him if i want to. hear his voice. even if we have been separated by half a nation for the past few years.

i want to call and tell him i realized my passion. (and consequently realized that the masters degree i'm currently pursuing may not be leading me directly towards my passion). that of my current options following graduate school... actually doing what my degree is for is not one of those options. i want to hear him tell me i can do it.

i want to hear him tell me how much i let guys walk all over me. that i should expect more. that i should not put up with so much. that i deserve more respect because i am an amazing and beautiful woman.

i know he would tell me that what i'm doing to myself is not right. he would yell at me (in the nicest way he could find to do it). he would remind me that i am worth so much more than i give myself credit for.

this is what i know he would do. he's been gone for a day. and i usually only talk to him once a week... but just knowing. it tears me up. but i'm going to focus on doing things right. because i am that amazing and beautiful woman that he would say that i am... and i'm going to pray deep.

counting. connection.

counting. there's a comfort in it. (my reason behind it, i know). and yet, i know how it can hurt me. i know the path it's leading me towards.
i grasp for a connection.
anything.
for now it's back to my lists. endless lists. and the familiarity that arises with each bullet point.

one thing to cross off one of my numerous lists... table and chairs. (although they still reside in missouri).

chit-chats.

talked with my mom today for quite awhile amidst the moments of signal outages. there are so many things i want to say to her. so many things i wish i could do for her. and i can't. can't make her understand. she's in complete denial. eating healthy. using her inhalers. exercising. but she still simply doesn't want to admit to it. doesn't want to admit that this is her new life. that it is something that she must deal with. must learn about. must take ownership of.

but here is where we differ. i want to find out as much as possible... i search. i try to figure out the problem. and then ways to solve it. i make connections (or try to). but my mom is at a point in this where making the connections is too difficult.

and so i thank god for the family she is surrounded by. to take care of her. and wish that i could be closer than i am. fourteen hours is a long way...

and to think i may not get to see my family until thanksgiving... now that's heartbreaking (and a difficult concept to grasp).

hopefully mom will be able to drive to see me and bring furniture sometime next month. oh what a blessing that would be.

for now, focus. on the matters at hand... like the method section of my research prospectus, "facebook vs. print media."

liberating that which is within.

i can't help but notice that throughout the past few months a reoccuring theme has continued to pop up in reading, in conversation, in thoughts, in life. the idea of self-reflection. of knowing myself. of "setting myself free."of "liberating the leader within."

i will be the first to admit that although an open book, where if you ask me a question, i will be more than willing to share anything with you... i hold much back from myself. i guess i've always found that it's easier to hold things in and not "know" than to unravel moments which have stayed packed away for so long.

but the thing is, in order to be an effective (and truly great) leader, i must learn to acknowledge all of the layers of "me." i must delve into the places of self that scare me. the places that i erected "do not disturb" signs in front of years ago.

it is through looking back that i can then look forward. and i know this in my head... it is in my heart that i must trust this. in my heart where i must truly discover my motivations, my fears, my passions.

until i can do this, i will remain at a crossroads. a place where it is impossible to move forward completely. i may be able to put on the face of forward-movement... but that movement will be marked by a hesitance.

and so where do i go from here? to learn. to take it all in. "leadership development is self-development." and so i will incorporate that. but i must learn to look inside myself. must learn to not fear myself. i must allow for my inner self to be freed. must allow myself to be liberated.

a funny concept for a reflection about leadership, but i think it is exactly where my reflection must focus. on self. because in order to lead, the leader must know his or her passions. a leader must know his or her desires. a leader must know who it is that he or she is... before they can ask someone else to follow into the rising waters.

and so how then can i ask for someone to follow me if i have no grasp on myself?

i must realize my potential. realize that i am the leader i want to be. realize that i can make a difference. and i must invest in learning (about myself and about leadership). and so i strike out to begin this journey. and i will accomplish it because i believe that i can. there may be pitfalls along the way, but they will strengthen me. and i will rise up to "finish" the book, not just read it.