jello.

first things first. the apartment is (almost) complete. i am waiting on the new roommate and help with hanging one large wall panel. and obviously, i am sure odds and ends will continually be added as the days pass. but for now, it makes me happy. i just sit and smile. i even bought a home decorating magazine. nerd, i know... but here's a glimpse.

of course, following a long week of cleaning and such... tis necessary to celebrate. and celebrate we did. jello shots, beer, other various adult beverages, a few chips thrown in... good tunes and good friends... and the always helpful deck of cards. oh what a night.

"i have to wait 15 minutes after eating a jello shot before it's safe to do the worm!"

and so life goes on. come join in the excitement before it gets away...

throwdown.

so i guess the sake bombs were a bit more exciting than i remember.

i was just informed there was almost a "throwdown at taco c" saturday night. courtesy of yours truly and some random chick in line. lovin' it. and lovin' life.

one of my friends was in line still and mentioned they had been out at crickets with the 'cool people,' to which i replied... "oh you mean the married people?" guess the chick was married and took that the wrong way.

in other news. i'm filling out my absentee ballot today and i couldn't be more excited. voting makes me giddy. truly elated. i urge everyone to get out and vote. in every election. no matter how small you may think it is. rock the vote.

strong woman.

school is out for the summer. (ie my last paper for summer sessions has been completed and turned in). now work and line camp can proceed to take up my life. and of course the complete redecoration of my soon to be cute lil apartment. i am so ready for this.

but the absence of school work creates time. and thus conversations with friends can actually occur. and one in particular has just continually been on my mind since it took place... one of my guy friends here in good ole waco told me that i probably don't have much hope at finding any guys here in texas. due to the fact that they're all looking for "trophy wives." a woman who will just go along with whatever they say. cook. clean. be submissive (in all aspects of life). and that is not the woman i am, nor the woman i desire to be.

yes, i can be that woman. i can cook. i can clean. i can be there to play the role of traditional woman. but i have a mind. and i want to be with someone who can respect my thoughts. my inspirations. my life.

maybe i am intimidating to guys around here. but maybe that's because they've never been challenged by a woman who knows (for the most part) what she is talking about. maybe they don't understand that challenge is what keeps things interesting. challenge allows for growth. for development.

i have dreams. and i believe that those dreams will come true in time. but when i do find someone to settle down with. i want him to respect me for more than what i look like. i want our relationship to be one of give and take. not of serve and be served.

(but that's just me).

for now, i'm going to put this all behind me and take it as a sign that texas is not the place for me to live life. (and i'm perfectly okay with that).

at least i rocked the sake bombs last night...

it just so happens...

one more thing to check off my apartment list... a couch. i bought one. on the fourth of july. if i can't be with my family i might as well spend lots of money... right? it's pretty. and it will be here in two weeks. and i can't wait.

and my mom will be here on thursday night with my table and it will look gorgeous with my new couch. a trip to ikea this next weekend for a few essentials shall make it all complete (basically i'm getting extremely excited about making my apartment a place i can call my own). right now i'm thinking either magenta or a turquoisey-blue for the "pop" color. but no decision as of yet. (although i need to decide asap since i need to paint a few things...).

back to the fourth though. those of us who were cool enough to stay around waco for the holiday grabbed some subway and headed out to lake waco for a picnic and a few games of "bags" (washers with beanbags). thankfully j. had some sweet glasses that helped make the day complete.

although we didn't set off any of our own fireworks (i think that's a first for me)... we did enjoy ourselves in downtown waco. saw one too many gentlemen in cut-off jean shorts. and one too many women who should never have been allowed out of the house. all in all. an entertaining evening. capped off with numerous rounds of "i kissed a girl" to the chagrin of the gentlemen in the front seat...

i was supposed to work on oodles of school work this weekend. but i still haven't done that. instead, saturday c. and i decided to hop in the trusty red jeep and flip a quarter... heads equaled left... tails equaled right. and we drove. for hours. 175 miles. highway. gravel roads. bridges that were nothing more than boards... and we sang. and we danced. and we lived.

and then we watched the ufc fight. blood. wings. and friends. what more could a person ask for to end out the weekend? right...

wrestling.

thoughts are strangled. my mind is spinning. i knew two years ago when he signed up for the marines that he would be shipped out sometime. but secretly i kept hoping that recon training would keep him busy forever and ever.

but the countdown started a couple weeks ago... a countdown to july 3, the day he was supposed to ship out. until orders were changed earlier this week and he was to ship out july 9. and then yesterday, the brief call came... molls, i'm leaving in the morning. don't have time to talk. i'll miss you.

and he's gone. he'll be fine. i'm sure. well-protected. but i already realize how much i miss having the knowledge that i can just call him if i want to. hear his voice. even if we have been separated by half a nation for the past few years.

i want to call and tell him i realized my passion. (and consequently realized that the masters degree i'm currently pursuing may not be leading me directly towards my passion). that of my current options following graduate school... actually doing what my degree is for is not one of those options. i want to hear him tell me i can do it.

i want to hear him tell me how much i let guys walk all over me. that i should expect more. that i should not put up with so much. that i deserve more respect because i am an amazing and beautiful woman.

i know he would tell me that what i'm doing to myself is not right. he would yell at me (in the nicest way he could find to do it). he would remind me that i am worth so much more than i give myself credit for.

this is what i know he would do. he's been gone for a day. and i usually only talk to him once a week... but just knowing. it tears me up. but i'm going to focus on doing things right. because i am that amazing and beautiful woman that he would say that i am... and i'm going to pray deep.

packing for my morning "commute."

tomorrow morning i head back to texas. hopefully i'll start around seven, therefore arriving around seven in the evening (depending on traffic). but you simply never know with weekend drivers.

as i squeeze the ridiculous amount of things i brought back to missouri with me into various bags around the house my mind keeps thinking back on the past week and a half that i've been "home." the days have been relaxing, the nights as well. and my accomplishments are null. (well depending on who you ask). and i'm completely okay with that. yes, i cleaned the kitchen everyday and read numerous delicious books (for fun). i hung out with the family and a few select friends... but i also kept to myself for the most part. and i know a few people who are probably hurt right now. not to let that get me down, i'm telling my inner self that i've turned over a new leaf. i'm making myself happy in life. i'm taking time for myself. and i'm not doing things just because other people want me to. (hope that doesn't come off as selfish... because truly, it's not supposed to).

and when it comes to gentlemen in my life, i'm really not going to let them make me feel bad for not spending time with them. if i don't see it going anywhere, and they're not making any effort (especially when i'm states away), then it's not worth my time or energy to feel bad when i'm actually in town.

yes, a rant. my apologies. but the packing led to thinking led to the rant.

but the art show fish need to be fed, ie... i must run to the pet store to find them tropical fish food (my one official task of the day besides showing up at the ribbon cutting ceremony for the brand spankin' new shiloh in downtown columbia).