jello.

first things first. the apartment is (almost) complete. i am waiting on the new roommate and help with hanging one large wall panel. and obviously, i am sure odds and ends will continually be added as the days pass. but for now, it makes me happy. i just sit and smile. i even bought a home decorating magazine. nerd, i know... but here's a glimpse.

of course, following a long week of cleaning and such... tis necessary to celebrate. and celebrate we did. jello shots, beer, other various adult beverages, a few chips thrown in... good tunes and good friends... and the always helpful deck of cards. oh what a night.

"i have to wait 15 minutes after eating a jello shot before it's safe to do the worm!"

and so life goes on. come join in the excitement before it gets away...

strong woman.

school is out for the summer. (ie my last paper for summer sessions has been completed and turned in). now work and line camp can proceed to take up my life. and of course the complete redecoration of my soon to be cute lil apartment. i am so ready for this.

but the absence of school work creates time. and thus conversations with friends can actually occur. and one in particular has just continually been on my mind since it took place... one of my guy friends here in good ole waco told me that i probably don't have much hope at finding any guys here in texas. due to the fact that they're all looking for "trophy wives." a woman who will just go along with whatever they say. cook. clean. be submissive (in all aspects of life). and that is not the woman i am, nor the woman i desire to be.

yes, i can be that woman. i can cook. i can clean. i can be there to play the role of traditional woman. but i have a mind. and i want to be with someone who can respect my thoughts. my inspirations. my life.

maybe i am intimidating to guys around here. but maybe that's because they've never been challenged by a woman who knows (for the most part) what she is talking about. maybe they don't understand that challenge is what keeps things interesting. challenge allows for growth. for development.

i have dreams. and i believe that those dreams will come true in time. but when i do find someone to settle down with. i want him to respect me for more than what i look like. i want our relationship to be one of give and take. not of serve and be served.

(but that's just me).

for now, i'm going to put this all behind me and take it as a sign that texas is not the place for me to live life. (and i'm perfectly okay with that).

at least i rocked the sake bombs last night...

peach mango green tea.

sitting in the library trying to write a paper. maybe not the best place for me to write a paper. but i couldn't sit at home any longer. not that i've been there much lately. but i just couldn't sit in my room. i needed to people watch. even if people watching means not writing my paper that i need to finish tonight. whoops. leadership. i'm creating my own definition. (sounds easy enough, right?) wrong, so wrong.

in other news. mom and ms.schepers visited texas over the weekend. we road-tripped on down to austin for friday afternoon, where we proceeded to spend 3 hours in ikea and then get lost in downtown austin before finding the capital. love it. although i loved spending time with them... it's amazing how much they wore me out!

but they brought puppy chow from home... so i'm one happy lil lady!

ah yes, and we visited the famed dr.pepper museum of waco on saturday. who could have thought a soda could be so interesting? (please be careful to note my sarcasm). but mom and ms.schepers loved it. and they loved that i signed them up for facebook...

and we shopped a lot. oh apartment. i cannot wait to grace you with lots of decorating goodies...

but back to my paper... and being a good student (right). think leadership...

it just so happens...

one more thing to check off my apartment list... a couch. i bought one. on the fourth of july. if i can't be with my family i might as well spend lots of money... right? it's pretty. and it will be here in two weeks. and i can't wait.

and my mom will be here on thursday night with my table and it will look gorgeous with my new couch. a trip to ikea this next weekend for a few essentials shall make it all complete (basically i'm getting extremely excited about making my apartment a place i can call my own). right now i'm thinking either magenta or a turquoisey-blue for the "pop" color. but no decision as of yet. (although i need to decide asap since i need to paint a few things...).

back to the fourth though. those of us who were cool enough to stay around waco for the holiday grabbed some subway and headed out to lake waco for a picnic and a few games of "bags" (washers with beanbags). thankfully j. had some sweet glasses that helped make the day complete.

although we didn't set off any of our own fireworks (i think that's a first for me)... we did enjoy ourselves in downtown waco. saw one too many gentlemen in cut-off jean shorts. and one too many women who should never have been allowed out of the house. all in all. an entertaining evening. capped off with numerous rounds of "i kissed a girl" to the chagrin of the gentlemen in the front seat...

i was supposed to work on oodles of school work this weekend. but i still haven't done that. instead, saturday c. and i decided to hop in the trusty red jeep and flip a quarter... heads equaled left... tails equaled right. and we drove. for hours. 175 miles. highway. gravel roads. bridges that were nothing more than boards... and we sang. and we danced. and we lived.

and then we watched the ufc fight. blood. wings. and friends. what more could a person ask for to end out the weekend? right...

fourth. can it be over?

i'm not good at holidays away from the family. and since my aunt passed away over spring break it's only been multiplied. (especially for the summer holidays which she loved so much).

i should just be getting home from a nights worth of fireworks... set off by yours truly (and of course all the boys who love fire so dearly) at my aunt's house. she would have made oodles of wonderful food. have good drinks out. the scent of bug spray and beer would fill the air. and it would be summer.

but i'm sitting in my bed. and my friends have all got their lives. or punked out. and i'm in texas. and all i want is to be in missouri. with my family.

where tomorrow they'll be out on the lake. another of my aunt's favorite places. sitting back and relaxing on a raft. beer in hand. chips and salsa. salads. my daddy's bbq. the freighter fireworks that dad would set off on the lake. and of course, the water balloons that always appear out of nowhere.

and then off to the columbia fireworks display. it may not be amazing... but it's tradition. and it's fun. and it's gorgeous. (and it's set to music... what more could you ask for?).

i want to be there. i want to be with my family. i want to not be in tears anymore. i want to not miss her so much. i want to not be alone. here. in texas.

chit-chats.

talked with my mom today for quite awhile amidst the moments of signal outages. there are so many things i want to say to her. so many things i wish i could do for her. and i can't. can't make her understand. she's in complete denial. eating healthy. using her inhalers. exercising. but she still simply doesn't want to admit to it. doesn't want to admit that this is her new life. that it is something that she must deal with. must learn about. must take ownership of.

but here is where we differ. i want to find out as much as possible... i search. i try to figure out the problem. and then ways to solve it. i make connections (or try to). but my mom is at a point in this where making the connections is too difficult.

and so i thank god for the family she is surrounded by. to take care of her. and wish that i could be closer than i am. fourteen hours is a long way...

and to think i may not get to see my family until thanksgiving... now that's heartbreaking (and a difficult concept to grasp).

hopefully mom will be able to drive to see me and bring furniture sometime next month. oh what a blessing that would be.

for now, focus. on the matters at hand... like the method section of my research prospectus, "facebook vs. print media."

things i learned on a saturday morning.

welcome to grad school in the summer. classes on friday night from 6-10pm and then all day saturday.

8am on a ropes course in central texas... i learned:

i can walk across a log as it is swinging beneath me.

the sun is hot. the shade is cool.

willow in the wind has multiple meanings.

being blindfolded never looks stylish (and often results in men being punched in odd places and women being felt up).

to volunteer to be the "turtle" is a daring feat.

balancing 15 people on a 6' platform without it's sides touching the ground is incredibly difficult.

and...

i am not good at "stiff as a board" in the game of trust falls... which results in myself screaming as i curl in a ball mid-fall.

all in all. a relatively interesting morning. better than i thought it could be. (better than most of us thought it could be). lunch was much deserved and greatly needed by the time it arrived. i must say i am glad that we only have 3 hours left of weekend classes though... tend to cut into "my time."

packing for my morning "commute."

tomorrow morning i head back to texas. hopefully i'll start around seven, therefore arriving around seven in the evening (depending on traffic). but you simply never know with weekend drivers.

as i squeeze the ridiculous amount of things i brought back to missouri with me into various bags around the house my mind keeps thinking back on the past week and a half that i've been "home." the days have been relaxing, the nights as well. and my accomplishments are null. (well depending on who you ask). and i'm completely okay with that. yes, i cleaned the kitchen everyday and read numerous delicious books (for fun). i hung out with the family and a few select friends... but i also kept to myself for the most part. and i know a few people who are probably hurt right now. not to let that get me down, i'm telling my inner self that i've turned over a new leaf. i'm making myself happy in life. i'm taking time for myself. and i'm not doing things just because other people want me to. (hope that doesn't come off as selfish... because truly, it's not supposed to).

and when it comes to gentlemen in my life, i'm really not going to let them make me feel bad for not spending time with them. if i don't see it going anywhere, and they're not making any effort (especially when i'm states away), then it's not worth my time or energy to feel bad when i'm actually in town.

yes, a rant. my apologies. but the packing led to thinking led to the rant.

but the art show fish need to be fed, ie... i must run to the pet store to find them tropical fish food (my one official task of the day besides showing up at the ribbon cutting ceremony for the brand spankin' new shiloh in downtown columbia).