happy face.

i try and make myself think i'm okay with life. that i'm okay with where i am. with what god has planned. and i really am trying to trust that.

but let's be honest. sometimes it's hard to really believe that. sometimes it's hard to not be hardened by life. by friends. by love. by loss.

i want a shoulder to cry on. i want a hug. i want someone to see me. the real me. and want to know that me.

i'm tired. truly tired. of pretending i'm okay. of pretending that i love life... and besides being tired. i think that i need someone to see the real me. i think i'm losing it. allowing myself to slowly be taken over without reprecussion.

i can put on the happy face. i can play that game (we all know how wonderful i am at it). but, it's old. and i'm old. and i'm worn out. and i need some connection in my life.

or it's going to be a long year for a few people...

the movement.

once again i find myself sitting in the library working on a paper. this time at a loss for thoughts. a loss for words. and i'm truly excited about this research paper... the jesus people movement of the 60's and 70's. love it. interesting. enticing. spicy.

but my concentration level is nil. all i can think of is my mother... that she just can't take too much more of this. and i wonder what god is trying to do. what his plans are for this. (because he has a plan, he just has to). but this has already been such a tough few months. why put her even through the thought, the tests... for cancer?

and i have no clue where this will lead. no clue at all. but knowing that my mom is at home. sifting through my pink legos from days gone by trying to find any way to take her mind off of the reality that she is going in for tests... tomorrow. it makes me ache.

all i can do is continually tell myself to hold the tears back. (i am sitting at a table in the library after all... "writing" a paper). and pray. and pray. and not think. or pretend to not think.

line camp. must put on a happy face for everyone. so here goes it...

fourth. can it be over?

i'm not good at holidays away from the family. and since my aunt passed away over spring break it's only been multiplied. (especially for the summer holidays which she loved so much).

i should just be getting home from a nights worth of fireworks... set off by yours truly (and of course all the boys who love fire so dearly) at my aunt's house. she would have made oodles of wonderful food. have good drinks out. the scent of bug spray and beer would fill the air. and it would be summer.

but i'm sitting in my bed. and my friends have all got their lives. or punked out. and i'm in texas. and all i want is to be in missouri. with my family.

where tomorrow they'll be out on the lake. another of my aunt's favorite places. sitting back and relaxing on a raft. beer in hand. chips and salsa. salads. my daddy's bbq. the freighter fireworks that dad would set off on the lake. and of course, the water balloons that always appear out of nowhere.

and then off to the columbia fireworks display. it may not be amazing... but it's tradition. and it's fun. and it's gorgeous. (and it's set to music... what more could you ask for?).

i want to be there. i want to be with my family. i want to not be in tears anymore. i want to not miss her so much. i want to not be alone. here. in texas.

one of those days.

or maybe one of those weeks (depending on how you look at it). and i'm trying to be positive.
but i've already cried twice today. today alone. and i hate crying. and it wasn't just crying... it was crying in front of two of my superiors at work. oh grand day.
and i have no appetite. none. at all. and haven't for days. hate it.
at least last night was a welcome release. a welcome break from reality... even if i know that it's an unrealistic wish. an unrealistic hope. it was nice for the brief intermission while it lasted.
so we shall see where this all leads.
and how much everything keeps reminding me that life is short. and what will happen tomorrow. or the next day.
"oh cowboy, take me away... set me free."