chit-chats.

talked with my mom today for quite awhile amidst the moments of signal outages. there are so many things i want to say to her. so many things i wish i could do for her. and i can't. can't make her understand. she's in complete denial. eating healthy. using her inhalers. exercising. but she still simply doesn't want to admit to it. doesn't want to admit that this is her new life. that it is something that she must deal with. must learn about. must take ownership of.

but here is where we differ. i want to find out as much as possible... i search. i try to figure out the problem. and then ways to solve it. i make connections (or try to). but my mom is at a point in this where making the connections is too difficult.

and so i thank god for the family she is surrounded by. to take care of her. and wish that i could be closer than i am. fourteen hours is a long way...

and to think i may not get to see my family until thanksgiving... now that's heartbreaking (and a difficult concept to grasp).

hopefully mom will be able to drive to see me and bring furniture sometime next month. oh what a blessing that would be.

for now, focus. on the matters at hand... like the method section of my research prospectus, "facebook vs. print media."

recent contemplations on leadership.

my mind has been swarming out of control during the past few months. and last week as i began my summer classes i worried that the lack of focus would result in negative consequences for class experiences (and this may still remain to be seen).

but thankfully one of our classes broaches a favorite topic of mine (and one that i have increasingly been analyzing internally), that of leadership.

this past semester i spent quite a bit of time in good ole' missouri with my family for reasons out of my control, but the healing and the hurting that occurred have led me to examine and question a lot of my personally held beliefs.

i look back at spring break and note the morning i had my wisdom teeth removed. the one day i was out of commission. the one day that i allowed myself to be served (an important part of leadership). and i look back at that and remember my mom actually taking time away from the hospital where she had been in constant vigil watching over her sister to be with me. i remember knowing (through my incredibly drugged state) what it meant for her to be there.

as the next day came upon us, i welcomed the chance to do for my mom what she had just done for me... be there. and i did. i spent the remainder of the days on the 4th floor of university hospital from 9am to 10pm. sitting. being there. listening (learning to listen). watching. being strong for my mom when she could no longer be strong.

and you're wondering where this all fits into leadership, the point of this post...

i heard stories of my aunt and godmother... joan. so many stories.

of how just the week before she had pulled over on fairview road following a car accident involving a young boy (who had probably only just received his license) who had no idea of what to do. she got out of her van and simply helped him. told him to call his mom. told him that was the most important thing. calmed him down. waited with him. she was a leader.

when a little girl in her daughter's class lost her mother a few years ago, my aunt took the girl in as her own. she was there for her whenever she needed anything. she helped the family to find a new "normal." she was a leader.

and she gave so much of herself that she had nothing left for herself. she forgot one of the most important pieces of being a great leader. somewhere along the way she lost touch with herself.

so now i sit here... realizing with each passing day that my favorite aunt will not be at the lake parties this summer, that she won't be there to tease me about not having a boyfriend, that she won't be there for her own children.

and i connect the very things i love about joan to the things i need to work on as a leader. and the things that eventually hurt joan to the things i need to work on as a leader. her willingness to always listen, always love, always be there... all wonderful qualities that every leader must be able to entertain.

but her inability to realize how important she was... is a detriment to any leader. a leader must know themselves and understand the importance of time for self.

and that is where i find myself. trying to live up to my potential. and trying to want to know myself. because it is only through truly knowing myself that i will truly be able to be an effective and long-lasting leader.