an affair of the heart.

summer session one is almost complete. classes are finishing up by the day. all that's left are the papers and a research presentation before the grades are final and we move on to whatever else is to come.

but i don't think the material we have covered (in a hurried state) this summer can be left behind with our worries of the past month.

the final line of "the leadership challenge" states it quite plainly... "leadership is not an affair of the head. leadership is an affair of the heart." and this concept truly realizes my thoughts of the summer.

with every passing day i'm realizing my true passions. i'm realizing that just because i think that i want something doesn't mean that it's what is right for me (in both my professional and personal life). i may love the "idea" of what i am doing, but it's not what makes me smile. it's not what brings joy to my life. and it's not what makes me giddy with excitement. and as a woman who truly believes that she is a leader and is working everyday to become an even greater leader... it is necessary that i recognize this dissonance in my life.

so what makes me smile? what brings joy to me? what makes me truly giddy with excitement?

good questions for sure. and this could go a variety of angles. but mainly there are two things that make me love waking up...

the eyes of a child when they look up at you. whether or not they have ever seen you.

creating a vision and bringing it to life for other people.

so where does this leave me? (and really, what does this have to do with leadership?).

well... all good questions that i'm still struggling with, but enjoying. and in the magnitude of reflection i have been experiencing as of lately, i have realized that although in so many ways my educational history could be described much like a patchwork quilt, it seemingly all leads towards my varied passions.

high school study which focused on architecture and interior design.

a graphic design major, with a business minor from a liberal arts institution. (although i almost had a math minor, a psychology minor, and a poly-sci minor).

and now (god willing) a masters in educational administration for student affairs administration... while working in campus programming.

so where does this lead me? and where shall this leader roam on in life?

maybe elementary education. in an inner city... where i can be challenged daily to not think of myself, but rather to realize my life is for something greater.

maybe on to working with a politician and planning events and programs.

maybe on to law school... with a focus in educational policy.

and maybe, just maybe on to working at a college or university in campus programs.

now i wait. and see. and constantly wrestle with the reality that i must follow my heart. for it is only through being in love and staying in love with what you do that you will truly accomplish great things. (and i want to accomplish amazing things).

liberating that which is within.

i can't help but notice that throughout the past few months a reoccuring theme has continued to pop up in reading, in conversation, in thoughts, in life. the idea of self-reflection. of knowing myself. of "setting myself free."of "liberating the leader within."

i will be the first to admit that although an open book, where if you ask me a question, i will be more than willing to share anything with you... i hold much back from myself. i guess i've always found that it's easier to hold things in and not "know" than to unravel moments which have stayed packed away for so long.

but the thing is, in order to be an effective (and truly great) leader, i must learn to acknowledge all of the layers of "me." i must delve into the places of self that scare me. the places that i erected "do not disturb" signs in front of years ago.

it is through looking back that i can then look forward. and i know this in my head... it is in my heart that i must trust this. in my heart where i must truly discover my motivations, my fears, my passions.

until i can do this, i will remain at a crossroads. a place where it is impossible to move forward completely. i may be able to put on the face of forward-movement... but that movement will be marked by a hesitance.

and so where do i go from here? to learn. to take it all in. "leadership development is self-development." and so i will incorporate that. but i must learn to look inside myself. must learn to not fear myself. i must allow for my inner self to be freed. must allow myself to be liberated.

a funny concept for a reflection about leadership, but i think it is exactly where my reflection must focus. on self. because in order to lead, the leader must know his or her passions. a leader must know his or her desires. a leader must know who it is that he or she is... before they can ask someone else to follow into the rising waters.

and so how then can i ask for someone to follow me if i have no grasp on myself?

i must realize my potential. realize that i am the leader i want to be. realize that i can make a difference. and i must invest in learning (about myself and about leadership). and so i strike out to begin this journey. and i will accomplish it because i believe that i can. there may be pitfalls along the way, but they will strengthen me. and i will rise up to "finish" the book, not just read it.

success vs. failure.

"success does not breed success. it breeds failure. it is failure which breeds success."

i have a habit (which some may say is horrible and some may think is very positive). but a habit nonetheless. of marking all over every book i read (whether i'm reading for enjoyment or for a requirement). and this past weekend as i entered my third hour (and second cup of coffee) at my favorite local starbucks, i came across the above quote and paused to consider what was being said. (insert knowledge i had just gained from my reading of "educating by design" that the "quantity of readings and assignments tends to invoke a 'just get it done' attitude among students"). still, i paused. and entertained the concepts of success and failure in my life as a leader...

although i do agree with the majority of the above statement, one piece of it simply cannot reconcile itself within me... the idea that success breeds failure. a leader who may consistently be on the path towards greatness (and therefore constantly succeeding) may not reach "new" successes in their life, and may also eventually topple. it may even be argued that this person could be termed as an effective manager vs. a true leader... but they are still succeeding at what they have set forth to do. maintaining that this person is not a failure.

maybe it is neccessary that i look further into the actual terming of the phrase... and the definition of "breed" in order to gain a greater understanding.

"breed" (from dictionary.com) - "to cause or be the source of; engender; give rise to; to develop by training or education." (obviously i have pulled out the references to mating and found the definitions that will further my cause).

so now what? is it possible that success instead of "breeding" success... instead "breeds" failure? maybe i can see it that way. it is quite possible my mind jumped too quickly to conclusions and did not take everything into account (especially the definition of the recurring word). i know that i am pushed to excel and compensate for those above me on the food chain when they are not acting in accord with what they should reasonably be doing (and therefore when they are not succeeding). but when they are fulfilling all of their duties and at times going beyond... it's easier to sit back and (simply put) do nothing.

or shall we look at this once again on an individual basis. thus bringing in the idea of learning from our personal mistakes. although often the hardest lessons learned, they are also the lessons which often stick with us for the long haul... those that we learn out of our greatest failures. and maybe this is where the author of the original statement was pointing with his thought, that as leaders we will continue to strive for success out of our failures, whereas out of success we will simply continue along the path before us.

all of this to say. we can never stay stagnant in our thoughts. our lives. or our leadership. people are watching. waiting. wondering. where we'll go. what we'll do. (and if we'll do anything). and we, too, should be wondering this of ourselves.

breathe in, breathe out.

i received an unexpected package in the mail last week from an old friend. a book on positive energy. and despite the mass amounts of reading i have assigned for class this month, i'm trying to find time to devote to this personal reading quest.

and i began yesterday with the introduction... maybe a bit skeptical, but willing to try anything rather than admit perceived "failure" to myself. and it's interesting. truly interesting. and it has me thinking a lot. and looking at myself (something i tend to put off).

the walls i've erected over the years are steadfast and sometimes i even marvel at where they may end and "i" begin, but i want to change. i want to know myself. i want to be in tune.

and so i breathe in. and breathe out. and breathe in. and breathe out. and focus. focus.

(and try to remember to be present)... in my own life.