things i learned on a saturday morning.

welcome to grad school in the summer. classes on friday night from 6-10pm and then all day saturday.

8am on a ropes course in central texas... i learned:

i can walk across a log as it is swinging beneath me.

the sun is hot. the shade is cool.

willow in the wind has multiple meanings.

being blindfolded never looks stylish (and often results in men being punched in odd places and women being felt up).

to volunteer to be the "turtle" is a daring feat.

balancing 15 people on a 6' platform without it's sides touching the ground is incredibly difficult.

and...

i am not good at "stiff as a board" in the game of trust falls... which results in myself screaming as i curl in a ball mid-fall.

all in all. a relatively interesting morning. better than i thought it could be. (better than most of us thought it could be). lunch was much deserved and greatly needed by the time it arrived. i must say i am glad that we only have 3 hours left of weekend classes though... tend to cut into "my time."

success vs. failure.

"success does not breed success. it breeds failure. it is failure which breeds success."

i have a habit (which some may say is horrible and some may think is very positive). but a habit nonetheless. of marking all over every book i read (whether i'm reading for enjoyment or for a requirement). and this past weekend as i entered my third hour (and second cup of coffee) at my favorite local starbucks, i came across the above quote and paused to consider what was being said. (insert knowledge i had just gained from my reading of "educating by design" that the "quantity of readings and assignments tends to invoke a 'just get it done' attitude among students"). still, i paused. and entertained the concepts of success and failure in my life as a leader...

although i do agree with the majority of the above statement, one piece of it simply cannot reconcile itself within me... the idea that success breeds failure. a leader who may consistently be on the path towards greatness (and therefore constantly succeeding) may not reach "new" successes in their life, and may also eventually topple. it may even be argued that this person could be termed as an effective manager vs. a true leader... but they are still succeeding at what they have set forth to do. maintaining that this person is not a failure.

maybe it is neccessary that i look further into the actual terming of the phrase... and the definition of "breed" in order to gain a greater understanding.

"breed" (from dictionary.com) - "to cause or be the source of; engender; give rise to; to develop by training or education." (obviously i have pulled out the references to mating and found the definitions that will further my cause).

so now what? is it possible that success instead of "breeding" success... instead "breeds" failure? maybe i can see it that way. it is quite possible my mind jumped too quickly to conclusions and did not take everything into account (especially the definition of the recurring word). i know that i am pushed to excel and compensate for those above me on the food chain when they are not acting in accord with what they should reasonably be doing (and therefore when they are not succeeding). but when they are fulfilling all of their duties and at times going beyond... it's easier to sit back and (simply put) do nothing.

or shall we look at this once again on an individual basis. thus bringing in the idea of learning from our personal mistakes. although often the hardest lessons learned, they are also the lessons which often stick with us for the long haul... those that we learn out of our greatest failures. and maybe this is where the author of the original statement was pointing with his thought, that as leaders we will continue to strive for success out of our failures, whereas out of success we will simply continue along the path before us.

all of this to say. we can never stay stagnant in our thoughts. our lives. or our leadership. people are watching. waiting. wondering. where we'll go. what we'll do. (and if we'll do anything). and we, too, should be wondering this of ourselves.

breathe in, breathe out.

i received an unexpected package in the mail last week from an old friend. a book on positive energy. and despite the mass amounts of reading i have assigned for class this month, i'm trying to find time to devote to this personal reading quest.

and i began yesterday with the introduction... maybe a bit skeptical, but willing to try anything rather than admit perceived "failure" to myself. and it's interesting. truly interesting. and it has me thinking a lot. and looking at myself (something i tend to put off).

the walls i've erected over the years are steadfast and sometimes i even marvel at where they may end and "i" begin, but i want to change. i want to know myself. i want to be in tune.

and so i breathe in. and breathe out. and breathe in. and breathe out. and focus. focus.

(and try to remember to be present)... in my own life.

oh night.

reminder to self.

eat before partaking in festivities pertaining to the consumption of any quantity of "drinks."

always a good idea.

recent contemplations on leadership.

my mind has been swarming out of control during the past few months. and last week as i began my summer classes i worried that the lack of focus would result in negative consequences for class experiences (and this may still remain to be seen).

but thankfully one of our classes broaches a favorite topic of mine (and one that i have increasingly been analyzing internally), that of leadership.

this past semester i spent quite a bit of time in good ole' missouri with my family for reasons out of my control, but the healing and the hurting that occurred have led me to examine and question a lot of my personally held beliefs.

i look back at spring break and note the morning i had my wisdom teeth removed. the one day i was out of commission. the one day that i allowed myself to be served (an important part of leadership). and i look back at that and remember my mom actually taking time away from the hospital where she had been in constant vigil watching over her sister to be with me. i remember knowing (through my incredibly drugged state) what it meant for her to be there.

as the next day came upon us, i welcomed the chance to do for my mom what she had just done for me... be there. and i did. i spent the remainder of the days on the 4th floor of university hospital from 9am to 10pm. sitting. being there. listening (learning to listen). watching. being strong for my mom when she could no longer be strong.

and you're wondering where this all fits into leadership, the point of this post...

i heard stories of my aunt and godmother... joan. so many stories.

of how just the week before she had pulled over on fairview road following a car accident involving a young boy (who had probably only just received his license) who had no idea of what to do. she got out of her van and simply helped him. told him to call his mom. told him that was the most important thing. calmed him down. waited with him. she was a leader.

when a little girl in her daughter's class lost her mother a few years ago, my aunt took the girl in as her own. she was there for her whenever she needed anything. she helped the family to find a new "normal." she was a leader.

and she gave so much of herself that she had nothing left for herself. she forgot one of the most important pieces of being a great leader. somewhere along the way she lost touch with herself.

so now i sit here... realizing with each passing day that my favorite aunt will not be at the lake parties this summer, that she won't be there to tease me about not having a boyfriend, that she won't be there for her own children.

and i connect the very things i love about joan to the things i need to work on as a leader. and the things that eventually hurt joan to the things i need to work on as a leader. her willingness to always listen, always love, always be there... all wonderful qualities that every leader must be able to entertain.

but her inability to realize how important she was... is a detriment to any leader. a leader must know themselves and understand the importance of time for self.

and that is where i find myself. trying to live up to my potential. and trying to want to know myself. because it is only through truly knowing myself that i will truly be able to be an effective and long-lasting leader.

something is just not right.

i just cannot quite put my finger on it. but it sure is running amuck in my life.

round, white tablet... 5161. oh joy. to go with the monster in my head. (secretly, a part of me hopes it could do more).

at least it's friday.

(that's my hint at being positive).

i need a hug. from someone who isn't going to turn and run out minutes later.

sorry debbie downer.

one of those days.

or maybe one of those weeks (depending on how you look at it). and i'm trying to be positive.
but i've already cried twice today. today alone. and i hate crying. and it wasn't just crying... it was crying in front of two of my superiors at work. oh grand day.
and i have no appetite. none. at all. and haven't for days. hate it.
at least last night was a welcome release. a welcome break from reality... even if i know that it's an unrealistic wish. an unrealistic hope. it was nice for the brief intermission while it lasted.
so we shall see where this all leads.
and how much everything keeps reminding me that life is short. and what will happen tomorrow. or the next day.
"oh cowboy, take me away... set me free."