fresh.

so. for the new school year... why not start a new blog? i needed fresh. i needed... well something.

meet me here.

jello.

first things first. the apartment is (almost) complete. i am waiting on the new roommate and help with hanging one large wall panel. and obviously, i am sure odds and ends will continually be added as the days pass. but for now, it makes me happy. i just sit and smile. i even bought a home decorating magazine. nerd, i know... but here's a glimpse.

of course, following a long week of cleaning and such... tis necessary to celebrate. and celebrate we did. jello shots, beer, other various adult beverages, a few chips thrown in... good tunes and good friends... and the always helpful deck of cards. oh what a night.

"i have to wait 15 minutes after eating a jello shot before it's safe to do the worm!"

and so life goes on. come join in the excitement before it gets away...

happy face.

i try and make myself think i'm okay with life. that i'm okay with where i am. with what god has planned. and i really am trying to trust that.

but let's be honest. sometimes it's hard to really believe that. sometimes it's hard to not be hardened by life. by friends. by love. by loss.

i want a shoulder to cry on. i want a hug. i want someone to see me. the real me. and want to know that me.

i'm tired. truly tired. of pretending i'm okay. of pretending that i love life... and besides being tired. i think that i need someone to see the real me. i think i'm losing it. allowing myself to slowly be taken over without reprecussion.

i can put on the happy face. i can play that game (we all know how wonderful i am at it). but, it's old. and i'm old. and i'm worn out. and i need some connection in my life.

or it's going to be a long year for a few people...

throwdown.

so i guess the sake bombs were a bit more exciting than i remember.

i was just informed there was almost a "throwdown at taco c" saturday night. courtesy of yours truly and some random chick in line. lovin' it. and lovin' life.

one of my friends was in line still and mentioned they had been out at crickets with the 'cool people,' to which i replied... "oh you mean the married people?" guess the chick was married and took that the wrong way.

in other news. i'm filling out my absentee ballot today and i couldn't be more excited. voting makes me giddy. truly elated. i urge everyone to get out and vote. in every election. no matter how small you may think it is. rock the vote.

strong woman.

school is out for the summer. (ie my last paper for summer sessions has been completed and turned in). now work and line camp can proceed to take up my life. and of course the complete redecoration of my soon to be cute lil apartment. i am so ready for this.

but the absence of school work creates time. and thus conversations with friends can actually occur. and one in particular has just continually been on my mind since it took place... one of my guy friends here in good ole waco told me that i probably don't have much hope at finding any guys here in texas. due to the fact that they're all looking for "trophy wives." a woman who will just go along with whatever they say. cook. clean. be submissive (in all aspects of life). and that is not the woman i am, nor the woman i desire to be.

yes, i can be that woman. i can cook. i can clean. i can be there to play the role of traditional woman. but i have a mind. and i want to be with someone who can respect my thoughts. my inspirations. my life.

maybe i am intimidating to guys around here. but maybe that's because they've never been challenged by a woman who knows (for the most part) what she is talking about. maybe they don't understand that challenge is what keeps things interesting. challenge allows for growth. for development.

i have dreams. and i believe that those dreams will come true in time. but when i do find someone to settle down with. i want him to respect me for more than what i look like. i want our relationship to be one of give and take. not of serve and be served.

(but that's just me).

for now, i'm going to put this all behind me and take it as a sign that texas is not the place for me to live life. (and i'm perfectly okay with that).

at least i rocked the sake bombs last night...

the movement.

once again i find myself sitting in the library working on a paper. this time at a loss for thoughts. a loss for words. and i'm truly excited about this research paper... the jesus people movement of the 60's and 70's. love it. interesting. enticing. spicy.

but my concentration level is nil. all i can think of is my mother... that she just can't take too much more of this. and i wonder what god is trying to do. what his plans are for this. (because he has a plan, he just has to). but this has already been such a tough few months. why put her even through the thought, the tests... for cancer?

and i have no clue where this will lead. no clue at all. but knowing that my mom is at home. sifting through my pink legos from days gone by trying to find any way to take her mind off of the reality that she is going in for tests... tomorrow. it makes me ache.

all i can do is continually tell myself to hold the tears back. (i am sitting at a table in the library after all... "writing" a paper). and pray. and pray. and not think. or pretend to not think.

line camp. must put on a happy face for everyone. so here goes it...

peach mango green tea.

sitting in the library trying to write a paper. maybe not the best place for me to write a paper. but i couldn't sit at home any longer. not that i've been there much lately. but i just couldn't sit in my room. i needed to people watch. even if people watching means not writing my paper that i need to finish tonight. whoops. leadership. i'm creating my own definition. (sounds easy enough, right?) wrong, so wrong.

in other news. mom and ms.schepers visited texas over the weekend. we road-tripped on down to austin for friday afternoon, where we proceeded to spend 3 hours in ikea and then get lost in downtown austin before finding the capital. love it. although i loved spending time with them... it's amazing how much they wore me out!

but they brought puppy chow from home... so i'm one happy lil lady!

ah yes, and we visited the famed dr.pepper museum of waco on saturday. who could have thought a soda could be so interesting? (please be careful to note my sarcasm). but mom and ms.schepers loved it. and they loved that i signed them up for facebook...

and we shopped a lot. oh apartment. i cannot wait to grace you with lots of decorating goodies...

but back to my paper... and being a good student (right). think leadership...

it just so happens...

one more thing to check off my apartment list... a couch. i bought one. on the fourth of july. if i can't be with my family i might as well spend lots of money... right? it's pretty. and it will be here in two weeks. and i can't wait.

and my mom will be here on thursday night with my table and it will look gorgeous with my new couch. a trip to ikea this next weekend for a few essentials shall make it all complete (basically i'm getting extremely excited about making my apartment a place i can call my own). right now i'm thinking either magenta or a turquoisey-blue for the "pop" color. but no decision as of yet. (although i need to decide asap since i need to paint a few things...).

back to the fourth though. those of us who were cool enough to stay around waco for the holiday grabbed some subway and headed out to lake waco for a picnic and a few games of "bags" (washers with beanbags). thankfully j. had some sweet glasses that helped make the day complete.

although we didn't set off any of our own fireworks (i think that's a first for me)... we did enjoy ourselves in downtown waco. saw one too many gentlemen in cut-off jean shorts. and one too many women who should never have been allowed out of the house. all in all. an entertaining evening. capped off with numerous rounds of "i kissed a girl" to the chagrin of the gentlemen in the front seat...

i was supposed to work on oodles of school work this weekend. but i still haven't done that. instead, saturday c. and i decided to hop in the trusty red jeep and flip a quarter... heads equaled left... tails equaled right. and we drove. for hours. 175 miles. highway. gravel roads. bridges that were nothing more than boards... and we sang. and we danced. and we lived.

and then we watched the ufc fight. blood. wings. and friends. what more could a person ask for to end out the weekend? right...

fourth. can it be over?

i'm not good at holidays away from the family. and since my aunt passed away over spring break it's only been multiplied. (especially for the summer holidays which she loved so much).

i should just be getting home from a nights worth of fireworks... set off by yours truly (and of course all the boys who love fire so dearly) at my aunt's house. she would have made oodles of wonderful food. have good drinks out. the scent of bug spray and beer would fill the air. and it would be summer.

but i'm sitting in my bed. and my friends have all got their lives. or punked out. and i'm in texas. and all i want is to be in missouri. with my family.

where tomorrow they'll be out on the lake. another of my aunt's favorite places. sitting back and relaxing on a raft. beer in hand. chips and salsa. salads. my daddy's bbq. the freighter fireworks that dad would set off on the lake. and of course, the water balloons that always appear out of nowhere.

and then off to the columbia fireworks display. it may not be amazing... but it's tradition. and it's fun. and it's gorgeous. (and it's set to music... what more could you ask for?).

i want to be there. i want to be with my family. i want to not be in tears anymore. i want to not miss her so much. i want to not be alone. here. in texas.

an affair of the heart.

summer session one is almost complete. classes are finishing up by the day. all that's left are the papers and a research presentation before the grades are final and we move on to whatever else is to come.

but i don't think the material we have covered (in a hurried state) this summer can be left behind with our worries of the past month.

the final line of "the leadership challenge" states it quite plainly... "leadership is not an affair of the head. leadership is an affair of the heart." and this concept truly realizes my thoughts of the summer.

with every passing day i'm realizing my true passions. i'm realizing that just because i think that i want something doesn't mean that it's what is right for me (in both my professional and personal life). i may love the "idea" of what i am doing, but it's not what makes me smile. it's not what brings joy to my life. and it's not what makes me giddy with excitement. and as a woman who truly believes that she is a leader and is working everyday to become an even greater leader... it is necessary that i recognize this dissonance in my life.

so what makes me smile? what brings joy to me? what makes me truly giddy with excitement?

good questions for sure. and this could go a variety of angles. but mainly there are two things that make me love waking up...

the eyes of a child when they look up at you. whether or not they have ever seen you.

creating a vision and bringing it to life for other people.

so where does this leave me? (and really, what does this have to do with leadership?).

well... all good questions that i'm still struggling with, but enjoying. and in the magnitude of reflection i have been experiencing as of lately, i have realized that although in so many ways my educational history could be described much like a patchwork quilt, it seemingly all leads towards my varied passions.

high school study which focused on architecture and interior design.

a graphic design major, with a business minor from a liberal arts institution. (although i almost had a math minor, a psychology minor, and a poly-sci minor).

and now (god willing) a masters in educational administration for student affairs administration... while working in campus programming.

so where does this lead me? and where shall this leader roam on in life?

maybe elementary education. in an inner city... where i can be challenged daily to not think of myself, but rather to realize my life is for something greater.

maybe on to working with a politician and planning events and programs.

maybe on to law school... with a focus in educational policy.

and maybe, just maybe on to working at a college or university in campus programs.

now i wait. and see. and constantly wrestle with the reality that i must follow my heart. for it is only through being in love and staying in love with what you do that you will truly accomplish great things. (and i want to accomplish amazing things).

magenta.

last night we bought that blue bottle (filled with wine) for the precise reason that i wanted it to use as a vase at some point. well when grocery shopping after church this morning, i decided to buy myself some bright magenta flowers. i'm making changes. i'm living in the "now." i'm (trying) not to think too hard.

and i'm looking at myself in a new light. and in that new light, buying myself flowers is a mark of strength, not weakness. and they will be a reminder... that i can do anything i put my mind to. anything.

for goodness sake, i already told my mother today that i may have changed my mind about what i want to do once i graduate with my masters next may... (told you i was taking this finding my passion thing seriously).

wrestling.

thoughts are strangled. my mind is spinning. i knew two years ago when he signed up for the marines that he would be shipped out sometime. but secretly i kept hoping that recon training would keep him busy forever and ever.

but the countdown started a couple weeks ago... a countdown to july 3, the day he was supposed to ship out. until orders were changed earlier this week and he was to ship out july 9. and then yesterday, the brief call came... molls, i'm leaving in the morning. don't have time to talk. i'll miss you.

and he's gone. he'll be fine. i'm sure. well-protected. but i already realize how much i miss having the knowledge that i can just call him if i want to. hear his voice. even if we have been separated by half a nation for the past few years.

i want to call and tell him i realized my passion. (and consequently realized that the masters degree i'm currently pursuing may not be leading me directly towards my passion). that of my current options following graduate school... actually doing what my degree is for is not one of those options. i want to hear him tell me i can do it.

i want to hear him tell me how much i let guys walk all over me. that i should expect more. that i should not put up with so much. that i deserve more respect because i am an amazing and beautiful woman.

i know he would tell me that what i'm doing to myself is not right. he would yell at me (in the nicest way he could find to do it). he would remind me that i am worth so much more than i give myself credit for.

this is what i know he would do. he's been gone for a day. and i usually only talk to him once a week... but just knowing. it tears me up. but i'm going to focus on doing things right. because i am that amazing and beautiful woman that he would say that i am... and i'm going to pray deep.

counting. connection.

counting. there's a comfort in it. (my reason behind it, i know). and yet, i know how it can hurt me. i know the path it's leading me towards.
i grasp for a connection.
anything.
for now it's back to my lists. endless lists. and the familiarity that arises with each bullet point.

one thing to cross off one of my numerous lists... table and chairs. (although they still reside in missouri).

chit-chats.

talked with my mom today for quite awhile amidst the moments of signal outages. there are so many things i want to say to her. so many things i wish i could do for her. and i can't. can't make her understand. she's in complete denial. eating healthy. using her inhalers. exercising. but she still simply doesn't want to admit to it. doesn't want to admit that this is her new life. that it is something that she must deal with. must learn about. must take ownership of.

but here is where we differ. i want to find out as much as possible... i search. i try to figure out the problem. and then ways to solve it. i make connections (or try to). but my mom is at a point in this where making the connections is too difficult.

and so i thank god for the family she is surrounded by. to take care of her. and wish that i could be closer than i am. fourteen hours is a long way...

and to think i may not get to see my family until thanksgiving... now that's heartbreaking (and a difficult concept to grasp).

hopefully mom will be able to drive to see me and bring furniture sometime next month. oh what a blessing that would be.

for now, focus. on the matters at hand... like the method section of my research prospectus, "facebook vs. print media."

liberating that which is within.

i can't help but notice that throughout the past few months a reoccuring theme has continued to pop up in reading, in conversation, in thoughts, in life. the idea of self-reflection. of knowing myself. of "setting myself free."of "liberating the leader within."

i will be the first to admit that although an open book, where if you ask me a question, i will be more than willing to share anything with you... i hold much back from myself. i guess i've always found that it's easier to hold things in and not "know" than to unravel moments which have stayed packed away for so long.

but the thing is, in order to be an effective (and truly great) leader, i must learn to acknowledge all of the layers of "me." i must delve into the places of self that scare me. the places that i erected "do not disturb" signs in front of years ago.

it is through looking back that i can then look forward. and i know this in my head... it is in my heart that i must trust this. in my heart where i must truly discover my motivations, my fears, my passions.

until i can do this, i will remain at a crossroads. a place where it is impossible to move forward completely. i may be able to put on the face of forward-movement... but that movement will be marked by a hesitance.

and so where do i go from here? to learn. to take it all in. "leadership development is self-development." and so i will incorporate that. but i must learn to look inside myself. must learn to not fear myself. i must allow for my inner self to be freed. must allow myself to be liberated.

a funny concept for a reflection about leadership, but i think it is exactly where my reflection must focus. on self. because in order to lead, the leader must know his or her passions. a leader must know his or her desires. a leader must know who it is that he or she is... before they can ask someone else to follow into the rising waters.

and so how then can i ask for someone to follow me if i have no grasp on myself?

i must realize my potential. realize that i am the leader i want to be. realize that i can make a difference. and i must invest in learning (about myself and about leadership). and so i strike out to begin this journey. and i will accomplish it because i believe that i can. there may be pitfalls along the way, but they will strengthen me. and i will rise up to "finish" the book, not just read it.

things i learned on a saturday morning.

welcome to grad school in the summer. classes on friday night from 6-10pm and then all day saturday.

8am on a ropes course in central texas... i learned:

i can walk across a log as it is swinging beneath me.

the sun is hot. the shade is cool.

willow in the wind has multiple meanings.

being blindfolded never looks stylish (and often results in men being punched in odd places and women being felt up).

to volunteer to be the "turtle" is a daring feat.

balancing 15 people on a 6' platform without it's sides touching the ground is incredibly difficult.

and...

i am not good at "stiff as a board" in the game of trust falls... which results in myself screaming as i curl in a ball mid-fall.

all in all. a relatively interesting morning. better than i thought it could be. (better than most of us thought it could be). lunch was much deserved and greatly needed by the time it arrived. i must say i am glad that we only have 3 hours left of weekend classes though... tend to cut into "my time."

success vs. failure.

"success does not breed success. it breeds failure. it is failure which breeds success."

i have a habit (which some may say is horrible and some may think is very positive). but a habit nonetheless. of marking all over every book i read (whether i'm reading for enjoyment or for a requirement). and this past weekend as i entered my third hour (and second cup of coffee) at my favorite local starbucks, i came across the above quote and paused to consider what was being said. (insert knowledge i had just gained from my reading of "educating by design" that the "quantity of readings and assignments tends to invoke a 'just get it done' attitude among students"). still, i paused. and entertained the concepts of success and failure in my life as a leader...

although i do agree with the majority of the above statement, one piece of it simply cannot reconcile itself within me... the idea that success breeds failure. a leader who may consistently be on the path towards greatness (and therefore constantly succeeding) may not reach "new" successes in their life, and may also eventually topple. it may even be argued that this person could be termed as an effective manager vs. a true leader... but they are still succeeding at what they have set forth to do. maintaining that this person is not a failure.

maybe it is neccessary that i look further into the actual terming of the phrase... and the definition of "breed" in order to gain a greater understanding.

"breed" (from dictionary.com) - "to cause or be the source of; engender; give rise to; to develop by training or education." (obviously i have pulled out the references to mating and found the definitions that will further my cause).

so now what? is it possible that success instead of "breeding" success... instead "breeds" failure? maybe i can see it that way. it is quite possible my mind jumped too quickly to conclusions and did not take everything into account (especially the definition of the recurring word). i know that i am pushed to excel and compensate for those above me on the food chain when they are not acting in accord with what they should reasonably be doing (and therefore when they are not succeeding). but when they are fulfilling all of their duties and at times going beyond... it's easier to sit back and (simply put) do nothing.

or shall we look at this once again on an individual basis. thus bringing in the idea of learning from our personal mistakes. although often the hardest lessons learned, they are also the lessons which often stick with us for the long haul... those that we learn out of our greatest failures. and maybe this is where the author of the original statement was pointing with his thought, that as leaders we will continue to strive for success out of our failures, whereas out of success we will simply continue along the path before us.

all of this to say. we can never stay stagnant in our thoughts. our lives. or our leadership. people are watching. waiting. wondering. where we'll go. what we'll do. (and if we'll do anything). and we, too, should be wondering this of ourselves.

breathe in, breathe out.

i received an unexpected package in the mail last week from an old friend. a book on positive energy. and despite the mass amounts of reading i have assigned for class this month, i'm trying to find time to devote to this personal reading quest.

and i began yesterday with the introduction... maybe a bit skeptical, but willing to try anything rather than admit perceived "failure" to myself. and it's interesting. truly interesting. and it has me thinking a lot. and looking at myself (something i tend to put off).

the walls i've erected over the years are steadfast and sometimes i even marvel at where they may end and "i" begin, but i want to change. i want to know myself. i want to be in tune.

and so i breathe in. and breathe out. and breathe in. and breathe out. and focus. focus.

(and try to remember to be present)... in my own life.

oh night.

reminder to self.

eat before partaking in festivities pertaining to the consumption of any quantity of "drinks."

always a good idea.

recent contemplations on leadership.

my mind has been swarming out of control during the past few months. and last week as i began my summer classes i worried that the lack of focus would result in negative consequences for class experiences (and this may still remain to be seen).

but thankfully one of our classes broaches a favorite topic of mine (and one that i have increasingly been analyzing internally), that of leadership.

this past semester i spent quite a bit of time in good ole' missouri with my family for reasons out of my control, but the healing and the hurting that occurred have led me to examine and question a lot of my personally held beliefs.

i look back at spring break and note the morning i had my wisdom teeth removed. the one day i was out of commission. the one day that i allowed myself to be served (an important part of leadership). and i look back at that and remember my mom actually taking time away from the hospital where she had been in constant vigil watching over her sister to be with me. i remember knowing (through my incredibly drugged state) what it meant for her to be there.

as the next day came upon us, i welcomed the chance to do for my mom what she had just done for me... be there. and i did. i spent the remainder of the days on the 4th floor of university hospital from 9am to 10pm. sitting. being there. listening (learning to listen). watching. being strong for my mom when she could no longer be strong.

and you're wondering where this all fits into leadership, the point of this post...

i heard stories of my aunt and godmother... joan. so many stories.

of how just the week before she had pulled over on fairview road following a car accident involving a young boy (who had probably only just received his license) who had no idea of what to do. she got out of her van and simply helped him. told him to call his mom. told him that was the most important thing. calmed him down. waited with him. she was a leader.

when a little girl in her daughter's class lost her mother a few years ago, my aunt took the girl in as her own. she was there for her whenever she needed anything. she helped the family to find a new "normal." she was a leader.

and she gave so much of herself that she had nothing left for herself. she forgot one of the most important pieces of being a great leader. somewhere along the way she lost touch with herself.

so now i sit here... realizing with each passing day that my favorite aunt will not be at the lake parties this summer, that she won't be there to tease me about not having a boyfriend, that she won't be there for her own children.

and i connect the very things i love about joan to the things i need to work on as a leader. and the things that eventually hurt joan to the things i need to work on as a leader. her willingness to always listen, always love, always be there... all wonderful qualities that every leader must be able to entertain.

but her inability to realize how important she was... is a detriment to any leader. a leader must know themselves and understand the importance of time for self.

and that is where i find myself. trying to live up to my potential. and trying to want to know myself. because it is only through truly knowing myself that i will truly be able to be an effective and long-lasting leader.

something is just not right.

i just cannot quite put my finger on it. but it sure is running amuck in my life.

round, white tablet... 5161. oh joy. to go with the monster in my head. (secretly, a part of me hopes it could do more).

at least it's friday.

(that's my hint at being positive).

i need a hug. from someone who isn't going to turn and run out minutes later.

sorry debbie downer.

one of those days.

or maybe one of those weeks (depending on how you look at it). and i'm trying to be positive.
but i've already cried twice today. today alone. and i hate crying. and it wasn't just crying... it was crying in front of two of my superiors at work. oh grand day.
and i have no appetite. none. at all. and haven't for days. hate it.
at least last night was a welcome release. a welcome break from reality... even if i know that it's an unrealistic wish. an unrealistic hope. it was nice for the brief intermission while it lasted.
so we shall see where this all leads.
and how much everything keeps reminding me that life is short. and what will happen tomorrow. or the next day.
"oh cowboy, take me away... set me free."

packing for my morning "commute."

tomorrow morning i head back to texas. hopefully i'll start around seven, therefore arriving around seven in the evening (depending on traffic). but you simply never know with weekend drivers.

as i squeeze the ridiculous amount of things i brought back to missouri with me into various bags around the house my mind keeps thinking back on the past week and a half that i've been "home." the days have been relaxing, the nights as well. and my accomplishments are null. (well depending on who you ask). and i'm completely okay with that. yes, i cleaned the kitchen everyday and read numerous delicious books (for fun). i hung out with the family and a few select friends... but i also kept to myself for the most part. and i know a few people who are probably hurt right now. not to let that get me down, i'm telling my inner self that i've turned over a new leaf. i'm making myself happy in life. i'm taking time for myself. and i'm not doing things just because other people want me to. (hope that doesn't come off as selfish... because truly, it's not supposed to).

and when it comes to gentlemen in my life, i'm really not going to let them make me feel bad for not spending time with them. if i don't see it going anywhere, and they're not making any effort (especially when i'm states away), then it's not worth my time or energy to feel bad when i'm actually in town.

yes, a rant. my apologies. but the packing led to thinking led to the rant.

but the art show fish need to be fed, ie... i must run to the pet store to find them tropical fish food (my one official task of the day besides showing up at the ribbon cutting ceremony for the brand spankin' new shiloh in downtown columbia).

pressure.

so with the knowledge that my mother has a defined amount of years left to live, the pressure mounts each day. i keep hearing the pleas of marriage and desire for grandchildren from her lips. and i understand where it comes from, but i don't know what to do with it.

this weekend she looked at me and told me to just adopt a child to come play with all of her toys... and when she realized that was not the most realistic concept, she suggested i run off and get married and have children right away. (thanks mom). i'll get right on that...

(you know, all of those men i have lined up out back waiting to marry me, yeah right).

p.s. i love you, now that's an interesting movie. and i come to that from the marriage and children concept. but k.smith and i decided to spend our wednesday evening on the couch curled up with the chic flick. unfortunatly, we are both jaded individuals and therefore found the movie to be utterly ridiculous and unrealistic. (at least we weren't watching it with girly girls who love love).

we also ventured back to our childhood yesterday with a return to fern gully. a good movie overall, but we realized what went wrong in our lives... they're not like the fairy tales all say they're going to be. you don't always get what you want. positive of fern gully though: the teaching about saving the rainforest. kids these days need something like that (but maybe about saving oil).