wrestling.

thoughts are strangled. my mind is spinning. i knew two years ago when he signed up for the marines that he would be shipped out sometime. but secretly i kept hoping that recon training would keep him busy forever and ever.

but the countdown started a couple weeks ago... a countdown to july 3, the day he was supposed to ship out. until orders were changed earlier this week and he was to ship out july 9. and then yesterday, the brief call came... molls, i'm leaving in the morning. don't have time to talk. i'll miss you.

and he's gone. he'll be fine. i'm sure. well-protected. but i already realize how much i miss having the knowledge that i can just call him if i want to. hear his voice. even if we have been separated by half a nation for the past few years.

i want to call and tell him i realized my passion. (and consequently realized that the masters degree i'm currently pursuing may not be leading me directly towards my passion). that of my current options following graduate school... actually doing what my degree is for is not one of those options. i want to hear him tell me i can do it.

i want to hear him tell me how much i let guys walk all over me. that i should expect more. that i should not put up with so much. that i deserve more respect because i am an amazing and beautiful woman.

i know he would tell me that what i'm doing to myself is not right. he would yell at me (in the nicest way he could find to do it). he would remind me that i am worth so much more than i give myself credit for.

this is what i know he would do. he's been gone for a day. and i usually only talk to him once a week... but just knowing. it tears me up. but i'm going to focus on doing things right. because i am that amazing and beautiful woman that he would say that i am... and i'm going to pray deep.