happy face.

i try and make myself think i'm okay with life. that i'm okay with where i am. with what god has planned. and i really am trying to trust that.

but let's be honest. sometimes it's hard to really believe that. sometimes it's hard to not be hardened by life. by friends. by love. by loss.

i want a shoulder to cry on. i want a hug. i want someone to see me. the real me. and want to know that me.

i'm tired. truly tired. of pretending i'm okay. of pretending that i love life... and besides being tired. i think that i need someone to see the real me. i think i'm losing it. allowing myself to slowly be taken over without reprecussion.

i can put on the happy face. i can play that game (we all know how wonderful i am at it). but, it's old. and i'm old. and i'm worn out. and i need some connection in my life.

or it's going to be a long year for a few people...

throwdown.

so i guess the sake bombs were a bit more exciting than i remember.

i was just informed there was almost a "throwdown at taco c" saturday night. courtesy of yours truly and some random chick in line. lovin' it. and lovin' life.

one of my friends was in line still and mentioned they had been out at crickets with the 'cool people,' to which i replied... "oh you mean the married people?" guess the chick was married and took that the wrong way.

in other news. i'm filling out my absentee ballot today and i couldn't be more excited. voting makes me giddy. truly elated. i urge everyone to get out and vote. in every election. no matter how small you may think it is. rock the vote.

strong woman.

school is out for the summer. (ie my last paper for summer sessions has been completed and turned in). now work and line camp can proceed to take up my life. and of course the complete redecoration of my soon to be cute lil apartment. i am so ready for this.

but the absence of school work creates time. and thus conversations with friends can actually occur. and one in particular has just continually been on my mind since it took place... one of my guy friends here in good ole waco told me that i probably don't have much hope at finding any guys here in texas. due to the fact that they're all looking for "trophy wives." a woman who will just go along with whatever they say. cook. clean. be submissive (in all aspects of life). and that is not the woman i am, nor the woman i desire to be.

yes, i can be that woman. i can cook. i can clean. i can be there to play the role of traditional woman. but i have a mind. and i want to be with someone who can respect my thoughts. my inspirations. my life.

maybe i am intimidating to guys around here. but maybe that's because they've never been challenged by a woman who knows (for the most part) what she is talking about. maybe they don't understand that challenge is what keeps things interesting. challenge allows for growth. for development.

i have dreams. and i believe that those dreams will come true in time. but when i do find someone to settle down with. i want him to respect me for more than what i look like. i want our relationship to be one of give and take. not of serve and be served.

(but that's just me).

for now, i'm going to put this all behind me and take it as a sign that texas is not the place for me to live life. (and i'm perfectly okay with that).

at least i rocked the sake bombs last night...

the movement.

once again i find myself sitting in the library working on a paper. this time at a loss for thoughts. a loss for words. and i'm truly excited about this research paper... the jesus people movement of the 60's and 70's. love it. interesting. enticing. spicy.

but my concentration level is nil. all i can think of is my mother... that she just can't take too much more of this. and i wonder what god is trying to do. what his plans are for this. (because he has a plan, he just has to). but this has already been such a tough few months. why put her even through the thought, the tests... for cancer?

and i have no clue where this will lead. no clue at all. but knowing that my mom is at home. sifting through my pink legos from days gone by trying to find any way to take her mind off of the reality that she is going in for tests... tomorrow. it makes me ache.

all i can do is continually tell myself to hold the tears back. (i am sitting at a table in the library after all... "writing" a paper). and pray. and pray. and not think. or pretend to not think.

line camp. must put on a happy face for everyone. so here goes it...

peach mango green tea.

sitting in the library trying to write a paper. maybe not the best place for me to write a paper. but i couldn't sit at home any longer. not that i've been there much lately. but i just couldn't sit in my room. i needed to people watch. even if people watching means not writing my paper that i need to finish tonight. whoops. leadership. i'm creating my own definition. (sounds easy enough, right?) wrong, so wrong.

in other news. mom and ms.schepers visited texas over the weekend. we road-tripped on down to austin for friday afternoon, where we proceeded to spend 3 hours in ikea and then get lost in downtown austin before finding the capital. love it. although i loved spending time with them... it's amazing how much they wore me out!

but they brought puppy chow from home... so i'm one happy lil lady!

ah yes, and we visited the famed dr.pepper museum of waco on saturday. who could have thought a soda could be so interesting? (please be careful to note my sarcasm). but mom and ms.schepers loved it. and they loved that i signed them up for facebook...

and we shopped a lot. oh apartment. i cannot wait to grace you with lots of decorating goodies...

but back to my paper... and being a good student (right). think leadership...

it just so happens...

one more thing to check off my apartment list... a couch. i bought one. on the fourth of july. if i can't be with my family i might as well spend lots of money... right? it's pretty. and it will be here in two weeks. and i can't wait.

and my mom will be here on thursday night with my table and it will look gorgeous with my new couch. a trip to ikea this next weekend for a few essentials shall make it all complete (basically i'm getting extremely excited about making my apartment a place i can call my own). right now i'm thinking either magenta or a turquoisey-blue for the "pop" color. but no decision as of yet. (although i need to decide asap since i need to paint a few things...).

back to the fourth though. those of us who were cool enough to stay around waco for the holiday grabbed some subway and headed out to lake waco for a picnic and a few games of "bags" (washers with beanbags). thankfully j. had some sweet glasses that helped make the day complete.

although we didn't set off any of our own fireworks (i think that's a first for me)... we did enjoy ourselves in downtown waco. saw one too many gentlemen in cut-off jean shorts. and one too many women who should never have been allowed out of the house. all in all. an entertaining evening. capped off with numerous rounds of "i kissed a girl" to the chagrin of the gentlemen in the front seat...

i was supposed to work on oodles of school work this weekend. but i still haven't done that. instead, saturday c. and i decided to hop in the trusty red jeep and flip a quarter... heads equaled left... tails equaled right. and we drove. for hours. 175 miles. highway. gravel roads. bridges that were nothing more than boards... and we sang. and we danced. and we lived.

and then we watched the ufc fight. blood. wings. and friends. what more could a person ask for to end out the weekend? right...

fourth. can it be over?

i'm not good at holidays away from the family. and since my aunt passed away over spring break it's only been multiplied. (especially for the summer holidays which she loved so much).

i should just be getting home from a nights worth of fireworks... set off by yours truly (and of course all the boys who love fire so dearly) at my aunt's house. she would have made oodles of wonderful food. have good drinks out. the scent of bug spray and beer would fill the air. and it would be summer.

but i'm sitting in my bed. and my friends have all got their lives. or punked out. and i'm in texas. and all i want is to be in missouri. with my family.

where tomorrow they'll be out on the lake. another of my aunt's favorite places. sitting back and relaxing on a raft. beer in hand. chips and salsa. salads. my daddy's bbq. the freighter fireworks that dad would set off on the lake. and of course, the water balloons that always appear out of nowhere.

and then off to the columbia fireworks display. it may not be amazing... but it's tradition. and it's fun. and it's gorgeous. (and it's set to music... what more could you ask for?).

i want to be there. i want to be with my family. i want to not be in tears anymore. i want to not miss her so much. i want to not be alone. here. in texas.