an affair of the heart.

summer session one is almost complete. classes are finishing up by the day. all that's left are the papers and a research presentation before the grades are final and we move on to whatever else is to come.

but i don't think the material we have covered (in a hurried state) this summer can be left behind with our worries of the past month.

the final line of "the leadership challenge" states it quite plainly... "leadership is not an affair of the head. leadership is an affair of the heart." and this concept truly realizes my thoughts of the summer.

with every passing day i'm realizing my true passions. i'm realizing that just because i think that i want something doesn't mean that it's what is right for me (in both my professional and personal life). i may love the "idea" of what i am doing, but it's not what makes me smile. it's not what brings joy to my life. and it's not what makes me giddy with excitement. and as a woman who truly believes that she is a leader and is working everyday to become an even greater leader... it is necessary that i recognize this dissonance in my life.

so what makes me smile? what brings joy to me? what makes me truly giddy with excitement?

good questions for sure. and this could go a variety of angles. but mainly there are two things that make me love waking up...

the eyes of a child when they look up at you. whether or not they have ever seen you.

creating a vision and bringing it to life for other people.

so where does this leave me? (and really, what does this have to do with leadership?).

well... all good questions that i'm still struggling with, but enjoying. and in the magnitude of reflection i have been experiencing as of lately, i have realized that although in so many ways my educational history could be described much like a patchwork quilt, it seemingly all leads towards my varied passions.

high school study which focused on architecture and interior design.

a graphic design major, with a business minor from a liberal arts institution. (although i almost had a math minor, a psychology minor, and a poly-sci minor).

and now (god willing) a masters in educational administration for student affairs administration... while working in campus programming.

so where does this lead me? and where shall this leader roam on in life?

maybe elementary education. in an inner city... where i can be challenged daily to not think of myself, but rather to realize my life is for something greater.

maybe on to working with a politician and planning events and programs.

maybe on to law school... with a focus in educational policy.

and maybe, just maybe on to working at a college or university in campus programs.

now i wait. and see. and constantly wrestle with the reality that i must follow my heart. for it is only through being in love and staying in love with what you do that you will truly accomplish great things. (and i want to accomplish amazing things).

magenta.

last night we bought that blue bottle (filled with wine) for the precise reason that i wanted it to use as a vase at some point. well when grocery shopping after church this morning, i decided to buy myself some bright magenta flowers. i'm making changes. i'm living in the "now." i'm (trying) not to think too hard.

and i'm looking at myself in a new light. and in that new light, buying myself flowers is a mark of strength, not weakness. and they will be a reminder... that i can do anything i put my mind to. anything.

for goodness sake, i already told my mother today that i may have changed my mind about what i want to do once i graduate with my masters next may... (told you i was taking this finding my passion thing seriously).

wrestling.

thoughts are strangled. my mind is spinning. i knew two years ago when he signed up for the marines that he would be shipped out sometime. but secretly i kept hoping that recon training would keep him busy forever and ever.

but the countdown started a couple weeks ago... a countdown to july 3, the day he was supposed to ship out. until orders were changed earlier this week and he was to ship out july 9. and then yesterday, the brief call came... molls, i'm leaving in the morning. don't have time to talk. i'll miss you.

and he's gone. he'll be fine. i'm sure. well-protected. but i already realize how much i miss having the knowledge that i can just call him if i want to. hear his voice. even if we have been separated by half a nation for the past few years.

i want to call and tell him i realized my passion. (and consequently realized that the masters degree i'm currently pursuing may not be leading me directly towards my passion). that of my current options following graduate school... actually doing what my degree is for is not one of those options. i want to hear him tell me i can do it.

i want to hear him tell me how much i let guys walk all over me. that i should expect more. that i should not put up with so much. that i deserve more respect because i am an amazing and beautiful woman.

i know he would tell me that what i'm doing to myself is not right. he would yell at me (in the nicest way he could find to do it). he would remind me that i am worth so much more than i give myself credit for.

this is what i know he would do. he's been gone for a day. and i usually only talk to him once a week... but just knowing. it tears me up. but i'm going to focus on doing things right. because i am that amazing and beautiful woman that he would say that i am... and i'm going to pray deep.

counting. connection.

counting. there's a comfort in it. (my reason behind it, i know). and yet, i know how it can hurt me. i know the path it's leading me towards.
i grasp for a connection.
anything.
for now it's back to my lists. endless lists. and the familiarity that arises with each bullet point.

one thing to cross off one of my numerous lists... table and chairs. (although they still reside in missouri).

chit-chats.

talked with my mom today for quite awhile amidst the moments of signal outages. there are so many things i want to say to her. so many things i wish i could do for her. and i can't. can't make her understand. she's in complete denial. eating healthy. using her inhalers. exercising. but she still simply doesn't want to admit to it. doesn't want to admit that this is her new life. that it is something that she must deal with. must learn about. must take ownership of.

but here is where we differ. i want to find out as much as possible... i search. i try to figure out the problem. and then ways to solve it. i make connections (or try to). but my mom is at a point in this where making the connections is too difficult.

and so i thank god for the family she is surrounded by. to take care of her. and wish that i could be closer than i am. fourteen hours is a long way...

and to think i may not get to see my family until thanksgiving... now that's heartbreaking (and a difficult concept to grasp).

hopefully mom will be able to drive to see me and bring furniture sometime next month. oh what a blessing that would be.

for now, focus. on the matters at hand... like the method section of my research prospectus, "facebook vs. print media."

liberating that which is within.

i can't help but notice that throughout the past few months a reoccuring theme has continued to pop up in reading, in conversation, in thoughts, in life. the idea of self-reflection. of knowing myself. of "setting myself free."of "liberating the leader within."

i will be the first to admit that although an open book, where if you ask me a question, i will be more than willing to share anything with you... i hold much back from myself. i guess i've always found that it's easier to hold things in and not "know" than to unravel moments which have stayed packed away for so long.

but the thing is, in order to be an effective (and truly great) leader, i must learn to acknowledge all of the layers of "me." i must delve into the places of self that scare me. the places that i erected "do not disturb" signs in front of years ago.

it is through looking back that i can then look forward. and i know this in my head... it is in my heart that i must trust this. in my heart where i must truly discover my motivations, my fears, my passions.

until i can do this, i will remain at a crossroads. a place where it is impossible to move forward completely. i may be able to put on the face of forward-movement... but that movement will be marked by a hesitance.

and so where do i go from here? to learn. to take it all in. "leadership development is self-development." and so i will incorporate that. but i must learn to look inside myself. must learn to not fear myself. i must allow for my inner self to be freed. must allow myself to be liberated.

a funny concept for a reflection about leadership, but i think it is exactly where my reflection must focus. on self. because in order to lead, the leader must know his or her passions. a leader must know his or her desires. a leader must know who it is that he or she is... before they can ask someone else to follow into the rising waters.

and so how then can i ask for someone to follow me if i have no grasp on myself?

i must realize my potential. realize that i am the leader i want to be. realize that i can make a difference. and i must invest in learning (about myself and about leadership). and so i strike out to begin this journey. and i will accomplish it because i believe that i can. there may be pitfalls along the way, but they will strengthen me. and i will rise up to "finish" the book, not just read it.

things i learned on a saturday morning.

welcome to grad school in the summer. classes on friday night from 6-10pm and then all day saturday.

8am on a ropes course in central texas... i learned:

i can walk across a log as it is swinging beneath me.

the sun is hot. the shade is cool.

willow in the wind has multiple meanings.

being blindfolded never looks stylish (and often results in men being punched in odd places and women being felt up).

to volunteer to be the "turtle" is a daring feat.

balancing 15 people on a 6' platform without it's sides touching the ground is incredibly difficult.

and...

i am not good at "stiff as a board" in the game of trust falls... which results in myself screaming as i curl in a ball mid-fall.

all in all. a relatively interesting morning. better than i thought it could be. (better than most of us thought it could be). lunch was much deserved and greatly needed by the time it arrived. i must say i am glad that we only have 3 hours left of weekend classes though... tend to cut into "my time."

success vs. failure.

"success does not breed success. it breeds failure. it is failure which breeds success."

i have a habit (which some may say is horrible and some may think is very positive). but a habit nonetheless. of marking all over every book i read (whether i'm reading for enjoyment or for a requirement). and this past weekend as i entered my third hour (and second cup of coffee) at my favorite local starbucks, i came across the above quote and paused to consider what was being said. (insert knowledge i had just gained from my reading of "educating by design" that the "quantity of readings and assignments tends to invoke a 'just get it done' attitude among students"). still, i paused. and entertained the concepts of success and failure in my life as a leader...

although i do agree with the majority of the above statement, one piece of it simply cannot reconcile itself within me... the idea that success breeds failure. a leader who may consistently be on the path towards greatness (and therefore constantly succeeding) may not reach "new" successes in their life, and may also eventually topple. it may even be argued that this person could be termed as an effective manager vs. a true leader... but they are still succeeding at what they have set forth to do. maintaining that this person is not a failure.

maybe it is neccessary that i look further into the actual terming of the phrase... and the definition of "breed" in order to gain a greater understanding.

"breed" (from dictionary.com) - "to cause or be the source of; engender; give rise to; to develop by training or education." (obviously i have pulled out the references to mating and found the definitions that will further my cause).

so now what? is it possible that success instead of "breeding" success... instead "breeds" failure? maybe i can see it that way. it is quite possible my mind jumped too quickly to conclusions and did not take everything into account (especially the definition of the recurring word). i know that i am pushed to excel and compensate for those above me on the food chain when they are not acting in accord with what they should reasonably be doing (and therefore when they are not succeeding). but when they are fulfilling all of their duties and at times going beyond... it's easier to sit back and (simply put) do nothing.

or shall we look at this once again on an individual basis. thus bringing in the idea of learning from our personal mistakes. although often the hardest lessons learned, they are also the lessons which often stick with us for the long haul... those that we learn out of our greatest failures. and maybe this is where the author of the original statement was pointing with his thought, that as leaders we will continue to strive for success out of our failures, whereas out of success we will simply continue along the path before us.

all of this to say. we can never stay stagnant in our thoughts. our lives. or our leadership. people are watching. waiting. wondering. where we'll go. what we'll do. (and if we'll do anything). and we, too, should be wondering this of ourselves.

breathe in, breathe out.

i received an unexpected package in the mail last week from an old friend. a book on positive energy. and despite the mass amounts of reading i have assigned for class this month, i'm trying to find time to devote to this personal reading quest.

and i began yesterday with the introduction... maybe a bit skeptical, but willing to try anything rather than admit perceived "failure" to myself. and it's interesting. truly interesting. and it has me thinking a lot. and looking at myself (something i tend to put off).

the walls i've erected over the years are steadfast and sometimes i even marvel at where they may end and "i" begin, but i want to change. i want to know myself. i want to be in tune.

and so i breathe in. and breathe out. and breathe in. and breathe out. and focus. focus.

(and try to remember to be present)... in my own life.

oh night.

reminder to self.

eat before partaking in festivities pertaining to the consumption of any quantity of "drinks."

always a good idea.

recent contemplations on leadership.

my mind has been swarming out of control during the past few months. and last week as i began my summer classes i worried that the lack of focus would result in negative consequences for class experiences (and this may still remain to be seen).

but thankfully one of our classes broaches a favorite topic of mine (and one that i have increasingly been analyzing internally), that of leadership.

this past semester i spent quite a bit of time in good ole' missouri with my family for reasons out of my control, but the healing and the hurting that occurred have led me to examine and question a lot of my personally held beliefs.

i look back at spring break and note the morning i had my wisdom teeth removed. the one day i was out of commission. the one day that i allowed myself to be served (an important part of leadership). and i look back at that and remember my mom actually taking time away from the hospital where she had been in constant vigil watching over her sister to be with me. i remember knowing (through my incredibly drugged state) what it meant for her to be there.

as the next day came upon us, i welcomed the chance to do for my mom what she had just done for me... be there. and i did. i spent the remainder of the days on the 4th floor of university hospital from 9am to 10pm. sitting. being there. listening (learning to listen). watching. being strong for my mom when she could no longer be strong.

and you're wondering where this all fits into leadership, the point of this post...

i heard stories of my aunt and godmother... joan. so many stories.

of how just the week before she had pulled over on fairview road following a car accident involving a young boy (who had probably only just received his license) who had no idea of what to do. she got out of her van and simply helped him. told him to call his mom. told him that was the most important thing. calmed him down. waited with him. she was a leader.

when a little girl in her daughter's class lost her mother a few years ago, my aunt took the girl in as her own. she was there for her whenever she needed anything. she helped the family to find a new "normal." she was a leader.

and she gave so much of herself that she had nothing left for herself. she forgot one of the most important pieces of being a great leader. somewhere along the way she lost touch with herself.

so now i sit here... realizing with each passing day that my favorite aunt will not be at the lake parties this summer, that she won't be there to tease me about not having a boyfriend, that she won't be there for her own children.

and i connect the very things i love about joan to the things i need to work on as a leader. and the things that eventually hurt joan to the things i need to work on as a leader. her willingness to always listen, always love, always be there... all wonderful qualities that every leader must be able to entertain.

but her inability to realize how important she was... is a detriment to any leader. a leader must know themselves and understand the importance of time for self.

and that is where i find myself. trying to live up to my potential. and trying to want to know myself. because it is only through truly knowing myself that i will truly be able to be an effective and long-lasting leader.

something is just not right.

i just cannot quite put my finger on it. but it sure is running amuck in my life.

round, white tablet... 5161. oh joy. to go with the monster in my head. (secretly, a part of me hopes it could do more).

at least it's friday.

(that's my hint at being positive).

i need a hug. from someone who isn't going to turn and run out minutes later.

sorry debbie downer.

one of those days.

or maybe one of those weeks (depending on how you look at it). and i'm trying to be positive.
but i've already cried twice today. today alone. and i hate crying. and it wasn't just crying... it was crying in front of two of my superiors at work. oh grand day.
and i have no appetite. none. at all. and haven't for days. hate it.
at least last night was a welcome release. a welcome break from reality... even if i know that it's an unrealistic wish. an unrealistic hope. it was nice for the brief intermission while it lasted.
so we shall see where this all leads.
and how much everything keeps reminding me that life is short. and what will happen tomorrow. or the next day.
"oh cowboy, take me away... set me free."